Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
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[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Pizza is an emotion right?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.