Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

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*angrily whispering over crib*
“Sheila you know I was raised by wolves. I have to pay it forward.”
“But why do they need their own cribs?”


What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO


I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.


I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.


Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?


When I die, my last thought will probably be “Man that falcon looks pissed.”


Niece: Uncle I can’t find my Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (slow kicks empty boxes under couch) That’s Weird.


“What’s that?”
– My new boss. He’s very deciduous”
– Nope. I carved him from a potted tree.
*squirrel peeks out of his mouth*