Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
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When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
So many pants.
So little yoga.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you