LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”