LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
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TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?