“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
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me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”