Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
a badder mouse
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.