Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Webb. James Webb.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks