@duplicitron

Let’s turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.

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@WookieOnUnicorn

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

@Marcmywords2

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

@_Water_Baby

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

@iliezabeth

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

@Jesssicle

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

@HatfieldAnne

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

@Thee1_4U

Damn girl, are you a jar of pickles? Because I think I NEED to bang you on my kitchen counter.

@copymama

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me: