A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Doug is just Canadian for dog
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
bias laundering edition
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Dead sexy!!
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.