6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
You Might Also Like
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Love is always patient and kind.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
we’re gonna need another temp
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
What a chick magnet..
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.