Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
You Might Also Like
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Is….Is this an option?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12