Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
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My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.