I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Turns out you can’t bring your cat onto a bus even if he’s wearing a top hat and cape.
Trust me, was a surprise to Mr. Boots and I as well.
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.