“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
You Might Also Like
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Bringing home a sharpie
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.