@EliseRose5

Letsh Have Shex! -Horny Sean Connery

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@ericsshadow

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

@theshamingofjay

Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.

@El_nacho_Nigre

So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?

@LeonInNewJersey

I was at the supermarket when I almost dropped my cat food. Luckily a beautiful woman snatched it out of the air.

She really caught my Fancy.

@jwoodham

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.

@FatherWithTwins

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

@KevinBuffalo

The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.

@Try2StopME

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire