I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
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I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.