Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
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Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body