Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️