Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I was bored.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.