Because water should be crunchy.

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Doctor: Describe your headache.

Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.


I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.


Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”


Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR


if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”


One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV


priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U


This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.


I clicked on one of those DM messages

And now it burns when I tweet


[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes