The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
we all know this pain all too well
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair