In Soviet Russia, tired joke format tweets YOU.
Because water should be crunchy.
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[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
I’m all about the sex, drugs and rock n’ roll until about nine because that’s cocoa time.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
BATMAN: All this crime… it’s really starting to get to me. Maybe I should take a break.
COMMISSIONER GORDON: [Thinking about how much work he had to do before Batman] That’s exactly what The Joker wants.
If this isn’t me
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.