Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Because water should be crunchy.
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I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes