the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
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There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.