When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
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The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what