Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.