@kimmie_1980

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

You Might Also Like

@AristotlesNZ

Boss: “Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what’d go well with this?”
Me: “The antidote?”
Boss: “No, a nice..Wait, what?”
Me: “Nothing”

@livlivme_do

If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.

@AndyAsAdjective

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

@Darlainky

Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.

@thedad

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

@ObscureGent

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

@AskAuntieEm1

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

@shutupmikeginn

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@silvertongue37

My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems.

Apparently not far enough.