@kimmie_1980

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

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@better_off_dad

I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…

@simoncholland

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

@shariv67

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

@McClaneJohn2

Subway is great if you want to eat 12 meatballs in bread and pretend it’s healthy.

@Adam14

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

@SteveDutzy

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

@samdunsiger

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

@man_spach

The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.

@HeyZeus666

In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

Then mom gave birth to me.