Boss: “Thanks for making me my coffee. You know what’d go well with this?”
Me: “The antidote?”
Boss: “No, a nice..Wait, what?”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
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If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*
ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
My ex wife recently told me I run away from my problems.
Apparently not far enough.