Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

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I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…


To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.


The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.


Subway is great if you want to eat 12 meatballs in bread and pretend it’s healthy.


I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.


Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman


[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce


The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.


In the earliest part of my life I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.

Then mom gave birth to me.