Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
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He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.