Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills.
ME: I think the line is ‘particular’.
LIAM NEESON: Nope!
*He rollerblades away juggling dogs*
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
BAE: come over
ME: we live together im sitting right here
BAE: my parents arent home
ME: what is wrong with you
Every girl when a guy touches their hair…
DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen
ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.
When you’re at a sleepover and your friend doesn’t give you a blanket