@_GrahamPatrick

LIAM NEESON: I have a peculiar set of skills.
ME: I think the line is ‘particular’.
LIAM NEESON: Nope!

*He rollerblades away juggling dogs*

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@TheBoydP

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

@TheTweetOfGod

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

@KentWGraham

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

@Briidashian

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

@not_delicate

Some people are dealing with real life crises right now and need your nudes now more than ever

@ArfMeasures

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

@senderblock23

BAE: come over
ME: we live together im sitting right here
BAE: my parents arent home
ME: what is wrong with you

@Notoliviasteel

DOCTOR: u broke ur leg in five places, how did this happen
ME:*flashback of me trying to carry too much ice cream up the stairs* bears.