LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
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[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Cool shirt 🙂
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Mornin
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I triple waxed for this?
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
You better watch out