@NikiWithIssues

Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he’s really into phone calls.

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”ChiefTwittler”;s:5:”image”;s:78:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2586395865/3cpu7zbdviimc9b8xavl_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”169693914905841664″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”669″;s:5:”tweet”;s:60:”My plan, if I ever go to prison: I’m faking a headache 24/7.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

@Christi_Q

Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

@sofarrsogud

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

@PlanetofFinks

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

@ArfMeasures

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

@UweBollocks

My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week

@ThisLocalHater

To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?

@SergioValenCo

Girls love when you hug them from behind and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. Strangers, not so much.

@KateWhineHall

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.