@NikiWithIssues

Liam Neeson is like Super Mario who keeps saving a chick who keeps getting kidnapped but instead of mushrooms he’s really into phone calls.

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@kenzianidiot

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

@JustLikeMikee

70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots

@illuminateddino

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

@YesThatAmy

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

@Vodkantots

Me: Your baby looks exactly like you.
Her: Thanks!
Me: k

@uberpaki

My fellow Canadians,

Complain about the heat just *once* and it will get taken away from us.

Don’t be the reason we can’t have nice things

@LHGarrett

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

@meghaffer

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.