Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
HERE’S MARKY
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were