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Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I put the mess in domestic.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY