ME: “This might be a dumb question…”
SCIENTIST: “There’s no such thing as dumb que–”
ME: “Am I a dragon?”
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]
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Victorian Era YouTube comments
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.