[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]
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[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there
teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up
teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
[inventor of the zoo]
*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*
this has to stop
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old