@joejwest

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v?e?n?g?e?a?n?c?e?
grapes

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@momjeansplease

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

@chuuew

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

@KenJennings

Folks I’m seeing Trainwreck tomorrow night. Then after the GOP debate, I might go to the new Amy Schumer movie! Yeah, I went there

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@SortaBad

“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*

@ohthatbadger

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@flashember

[inventor of the zoo]

*sees deer gamboling freely through the forest and exotic birds flying blissfully through the air*

this has to stop

@tarastrong

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old