LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]

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ME: “This might be a dumb question…”
SCIENTIST: “There’s no such thing as dumb que–”
ME: “Am I a dragon?”



Victorian Era YouTube comments


Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!


Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU


Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.


I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.


Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that


Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.