I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]
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Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg…making me a MERMAID!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything