LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
[he stops writing, frowns]

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I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.


Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it


Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter


The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago


I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.


You guys know I’m not one to brag, but my cooking is “to die from.”


ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally

ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows


*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*


Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything