LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*