Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
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[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…