Libra: You wake up fastened to a wooden stake. People in goat masks are dancing around a bonfire. We’ll be honest. Things don’t look good.

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When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.


*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.


*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear


Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.


You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.


On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!


Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.


[dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit


Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did