Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok