@Marlebean

Librarian “SHHHHH”

*Turns lawnmower to low setting*

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@truegritrumble

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

@Home_Halfway

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

@onion_an

[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]

Date: What’s your favourite meal?

Me: Poop

Date: What?

Me: SOUP, I like eating soup

@MomOnFire

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

@JaneEJuanita

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

@prufrockluvsong

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

@ddsmidt

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

@aimlessamers

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

@skittle624

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

@Darlainky

Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.