@Marlebean
@truegritrumble
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
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@truegritrumble
@Home_Halfway
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
@onion_an
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
@MomOnFire
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
@JaneEJuanita
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
@prufrockluvsong
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
@ddsmidt
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
@aimlessamers
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
@skittle624
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
@Darlainky
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.