Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
hmmm
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!