Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
These 3D printers are insane!
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
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