*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Very good news from my accountant
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..