[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.