[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!