Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
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Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.