Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe

Bus driver: I really don’t care

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around

[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.