License and registration please.
Excuse me?
Are you drunk sir?
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

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I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.


If I was a bodybuilder I would slather up with grease and slide to work instead of driving to save money.


Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.


They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog


Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me


me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick