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@MsSkarsgaard: Lick it. LICK IT FASTER!
- parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car
@DaddyJew: Cop:alright now repeat after me
Me:repeat after me
C:no not yet
M:no not yet
C:put your hands in the air
M:put your h..
@ch000ch: [does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
@joshgondelman: Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say "You haven't seen The Wire?" and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
@PJTLynch: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
@caseytduncan: (Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)