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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk