we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
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If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Does beer think about me too?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.