I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
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[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”