Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
This makes total sense…
Friends that check up on you >
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.