Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.