@dubstep4dads

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

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@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@stayathomies

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

@TheAttachedGF

You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.

@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

@osigat

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

@ChicksRule

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@pilau

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

@mattewe02

walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden

@treydayway

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.