*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

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Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?


*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”


You think we should see other people? I’m bipolar. I am other people.


*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.


<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.


[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in


There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.


my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”


walking thru ikea thinking how friggin pricey vowels must be playing wheel of fortune in sweden


Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.