@AngelaEhh

*licks ice cream cone

Cone: I have a boyfriend.

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@PaigeKellerman

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

@mixedgrass

If a British guy caught his wife cheating he’d probably be like “right. what’s all this then”

@LnL245

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

@Bob_Janke

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

@daemonic3

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

@realHamOnWry

If you’re lost in the forest start talking about politics. Someone is sure to show up to argue with you.

@niccolethurman

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.