*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car