*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes