*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Catering service
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.